Different people use different strategies for managing conflicts. These are learned, usually in childhood, and they seem to function automatically. Often we are not aware of how we act in conflict situations. We just do what comes naturally. But we do have a personal conflict management style, and because it was learned we can always change it by learning new and more effective ways of managing conflicts.
When you become involved in a conflict there are two main concerns to take into account:
1. Achieving your personal goals – you are in conflict because you have a goal that conflicts with another person’s goal. Your goal may be highly important to you, or it may be of less importance.
2. Keeping a good relationship with the other person – you may need to get on with the other person in the future. This relationship may be of great importance to you, or it may be less important.
Your conflict management style is affected by how important your personal goals are to you, and how important the relationship is. Given these two concerns it is possible to identify five styles of managing conflicts:
Withdrawing (the turtle) : Turtles withdraw into their shells to avoid conflicts. They give up their personal goals and relationships. They stay away from the issues over which the conflict is taking place and from the people with whom they are in conflict. Turtles feel helpless. They believe it is hopeless trying to resolve conflicts, and that it is easier to withdraw (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to face it.
Forcing (the shark) : Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solution to a conflict. Their goals are highly important to them and relationships of minor importance. They are not concerned with the needs of others and seek to achieve their goals at all costs. Sharks assume that conflicts are settled by one side winning and the other losing. They want to be the winner. Winning gives them a sense of pride and achievement. Losing gives them a sense of weakness, inadequacy and failure. They try to win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming and intimidating others.
Smoothing (the teddy bear) : To teddy bears, relationships are of great importance and their own goals of little importance. They want to be accepted and liked by others. They think that conflicts should be avoided in favour of harmony and that people cannot discuss conflicts without damaging relationships. They are afraid that if the conflict continues, someone will get hurt, and that will ruin the relationship. They give up their goals to preserve the relationship. Teddy bears try to smooth over the conflict out of fear of harming the relationship.
Compromising (the fox) : Foxes are moderately concerned with their own goals and their relationships with others. Foxes seek to give up part of their goals, and persuade the other person to give up part of theirs – a compromise. They seek the middle ground in a conflict. They are willing to sacrifice part of their own goals and relationships in order to find agreement for the common good.
Confronting (the owl) : Owls highly value their own goals and relationships. They view a conflict as a problem to be solved and seek a solution that achieves their own goals and the goals of the other person. They see conflicts as ways of improving relationships by reducing tension. By seeking resolutions that satisfy themselves and the other side, owls maintain the relationship. They are not satisfied until solutions are found, and the tensions and negative feelings have been resolved.