The next stage involves exploring the options that are in practice open to you – these will depend very much on your personal circumstances and what is important to your family.
You will probably both find it helps if you have a full and honest conversation about each option, including the ones that you don’t like very much. Make sure you think about all of the practical options rather than rejecting or accepting an option quickly.
Talking through the options will often mean going away and finding something out. Sometimes talking through the options will involve inviting someone else into the mediation room, an expert or an adviser.
Sometimes talking things through will help you both transform an option from one that really doesn’t work for one person to one that works for both of you, by changing one element.
Sometimes, understanding why someone doesn’t like a particular option helps the other person to come up with a different solution that works better.
A solution will never be forced on you so please don’t worry that just discussing an option leaves you vulnerable. Working your way through to a clear understanding of your options isn’t easy but there is a clear pathway and once you have started down it, each step will take closer to your goal.
Try to identify some independent standards for what is sensible, fair and reasonable – one of the best independent standards is whether or not the solution is reciprocal – would you accept the solution you are suggesting if you were the other person?
Try to let go of the idea that you have a monopoly on good sense, fairness and reason. Accept responsibility for your own feelings and your own part in the disagreement – no-one is right all the time. Try not to use language that suggests that you understand your family situation or what the children feel and that the other person does not.
If the conversation is not going well, try not to react. Anything which pushes you back into the old patterns of conversation will probably get in the way of finding a fair solution. Instead ask yourself and the other person what you can do to make things better.