•It really helps to go to your first mediation knowing what is important to you. Try to keep an open mind about what the practical solution might look like but identify the questions that you believe need answering. These will be unique to your family, but might include, for example:
“how can we protect our children from all the adult stuff?”, “where will we both live”?, “how am I going to pay the bills?”
•You will both have an opportunity to explain what you think the important issues are. It is very important that you both listen carefully to what the other person is saying. In particular you both need to explain to the other person what things are making you anxious about the future – what you are most frightened of happening – and to identify anything that you believe will improve the situation for both of you.
•Try to think about what you would believe would be a good outcome for the family at some time in the future – in six months’ time or a year’s time or in two years’ time. Often, people have remarkably similar ideas about what a good outcome would look like in the future. In all your
discussions with your ex-partner keep that good outcome in mind as a goal and try not to do anything that will make that good outcome less likely.
•You may have important questions – the mediator can’t give you advice about your individual situation but they can give you information about the way the courts approach divorce and separation and suggest places you can go to find out more. They are there to help you to make
decisions, although not to make decisions for you. If you want to understand more about the legal background to divorce, have a look at https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce which has a collection of useful guides.
•If you have financial issues to discuss, you will need to provide each other with the important financial information so that you can understand what your real financial choices are – you can decide between yourselves that something isn’t important to you as a family, but you will need to show each other all the information you have about your income, your property, your savings, investments and pensions and any loans or debts. You can find some useful free advice on how to
do this, including a budget planner at https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-tosort-
out-your-finances-on-divorce-or-dissolution.
•You will also need to understand what you spend your money on so that you can work out a budget for the future. The mediator will record all the information provided in a document, which you will sign once it is ready and which both of you can use outside the mediation, including in court.
•If you have children arrangements to discuss, you will need to gather together the important information that impacts on them so that you can understand what your real choices are. If you are feeling overwhelmed, have a look at https://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk/childrenparenting/
parenting-arrangements-children
That should should give you some useful ideas.
•There is an expectation that children aged 10 and above will have an opportunity to talk to a mediator about what they think is important, unless there is a special reason not to send them an invitation. What they think can then be fed into your discussions – you are still the parents and it is your responsibility to make decisions, but knowing what your children think and feel about their situation is likely to help you to make better decisions.